Commas can be a writer’s best friend, but lately I’ve seen too many sentences like this one:
Left-handed pitcher, Todd Jones, won 10 games for the Mariners last season.
Wyoming naturalist, John Smith, attended the reception.
Why commas in those sentences? In my opinion, inserting those two mental pauses disrupts the flow of the sentence. When that happens, the reader may stop.
The commas are not necessary. Both sentences seem to treat the proper names “Todd Jones” and “John Smith” as appositives, not as the subjects of the sentences. An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that immediately follows and renames another noun or noun phrase. “Todd Jones” and “John Smith” qualify, I suppose, but as the Associated Press Stylebook notes, “A decision on whether to put commas around a word, phrase or clause used in apposition depends on whether it is essential to the meaning of the sentence (no commas) or not essential (use commas).”
In the sentences above, surely the names of the pitcher and senator are essential. So dump those commas. To keep these sentences grammatical and improve their flow, they could be rewritten in one of two ways:
Todd Jones, a left-handed pitcher, won 10 games for the Mariners last season.
John Smith, a Wyoming naturalist, attended the reception.
This is a more traditional use of the appositive, adding more specific description to the proper noun that precedes it. While the nonessential phrase “left-handed pitcher” and “Wyoming senator” could be dropped without destroying the sentences, the reader’s pause for the comma is shorter, less pronounced. The reader is willing to put up with the pause because the words and pause seem natural, like everyday speech.
However, my editing preference would be the leaner versions below, which eliminates the need for commas:
Left-handed pitcher Todd Jones won 10 games for the Mariners last season.
Wyoming naturalist John Smith attended the reception.
Putting the adjective phrase before the noun is terser, quicker to the point. Writing is all about establishing rhythm and flow, making the words easy to follow. When your ideas are strong, editing can make them stronger. See what a good editor can do for your writing.
How to Write Like Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney: A man of few words.
Following the Nov. 4 death of CBS 60 Minutes essayist Andy Rooney, a Seattle Times editorial praised his commentaries not only for their wit, but also for being a marvel of brevity.
“His ability to craft those commentaries was a special gift,” the editorial read. “A classic newsroom excuse is ‘I didn’t have time to write short.’ Bright, tight and brilliant is not easy. Andy Rooney spoke volumes in a few dozen words.”
Writing is hard. Writing short is even harder, and most people don’t have the time to do it right. That adage originates in a quote from Blaise Pascal (1623 – 1662), a French philosopher and mathematician who at age 18 invented the first calculating machine. In his Lettres Provinciales (1656, No. 16), a defence of Jansenist doctrine, Pascal wrote, “I have made this letter longer than usual, because I lack the time to make it short (Je n’ai fait celle-ci plus longue parceque je n’ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.”
Writing is hard, and writing short is even harder. Not only does it take time, but it also forces you to be critical of your own initial efforts. You may well save yourself time and also get a better finished product if you have someone else polish your words. If you just take enough time to write a first draft, or even a list of major points, an editor can organize and rework your thoughts into a consistent, more persuasive document. It may not end up as witty as an Andy Rooney monolog, but it will look professional and get your points across effectively. Look here for some examples.
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Tagged as 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney, cbs 60 minutes, french philosopher and mathematician, man of few words, Writing Tips